| Hmmmm |
[14 Apr 2008|01:48am] |
Sooo, I'm bored. Obviously. Hence my random typing in this long forgotten little blog. Whatever.
Life is good. Life is very fucking good. Still with buttwipe (mike) and we're happy together, which is all that matters. We went through some pretty tough shit this past year though (yeah its been a year.) Stuff I honestly didn't think I'd ever be able to handle. Considering no one reads this I think its fairly safe to say what it all was. Truth is, we should be parents. It bothers me still, yeah, but at the same time, neither of us were ready. So, with common sense on one side, and self loathing on the other, I've pushed that issue into the dark corner of my mind to sit and rot and only emerge on very drunken nights in NY...don't ask. I've finally stopped saying I've killed my baby. Thats all that matters.
Depressing right? Lol. In other funfilled news, I have absolutely no desire to be a Doctor any longer. Ever since I was little I've loved science. When I was little I wanted to be a scientist who spent time in the labs. It was my grandmother/family that pushed the idea of doctor into my head. When I was diagnosed with bipolar, and finally institutionalized for reaching the darkest moment of my life, I came out thinking I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Now I realize, thats not at all what I want. I never wanted to help people. I have a growing disdain for people. The only job I've ever loved was sadly Boca Greens because I spent all my time with the animals (I worked with the big "viscious" dogs because I was awesome and owned their asses) and science, such as surgery, was involved. No people. The only problem I had with that job was with human coworkers (idiot receptionists). See my point? I'm not a people person. I'd rather let someone die then allow yet another annoyance walk this earth, or even worse... spawn. I'm more interested in research. I'm interested in finding out why things are the way they are and what we can do to change that. Stem Cell Research amazes me. Drug Research involves a type of chemistry and to study it's affects on the human brain and perfecting what nature made flawed, that my friends, is far better then turn your head and cough. Genetics or Drug Research, obviously I'll earn my doctorate in either field but I have no intentions of going into medicine. And, I'll have a life. As a doctor I won't be able to have a family or do anything until I'm in my 30's. A male can do that no problem, as a female wanting kids, that poses an issue. Sure many do it, but if my hearts not in it, why bother? This way I can have a family by 25/26 (comming fast btw) and be comfortable with it. I can have a life. Thats all I want.
Aside from that theres really nothing incredibly exciting happening. Leaving NOVA and going back to FAU because I'm sick of the pompous morons at NOVA, and FAU does have a really good chem department. Oh, and I got a carbon atom with dna on each side tattooed as a tramp stamp. See my myspace, its awesome. I rule.
But yeah, I'm out. I'm done talking to myself and I need sleep. Esh's funfilled journal inspired this random typing. Its pretty funny how that pathetic, hypochodriac, little bitch known as BECKY still assumes Esh gives a shit about her obese self. I about died laughing with that one. Seriously, maybe it wouldn't hurt to move as much as you claim if you body didn't have 1000lbs to move around. Heaviness (sp?) hurts, or so I assume. LOL! I loves my esh and her awesomeness. I'm so glad her and Kyle are happy together. They really are a cute couple. Makes my slightly naseous even. hehehe.
Man, all the people I know are involved. Esh/Kyle, Jodi/Sean, Me/Mike, crazy... makes me feel slightly old for some reason. I suppose the impending 21st b-day has some affect. Anyways, 'nough of that. A certain baby basenji known only as pain in the ass (macey) is crying. Tata all.
I'll talk to myself more later. Bye
-me
|
|
| For Old Times Sake |
[19 May 2007|07:03pm] |
Well, its been nearly a year since I've written/typed in this damn thing. Go figure. Alot has changed. For the better. I've calmed down, and grown up. What can I say? I'm different, better, stable, and most importantly happy.
There strangest part of it all is that a part of my past that I swore hatred upon is back. And I love him so much for it. Yeah, me and mike are together again. I suppose we were too young back then. We needed a year plus apart. To be stupid. To get into trouble. To explore and push boundaries beyond what they ought to be. I needed that time for myself. I made a bunch of dumbass decsions and hung out with some dumbass people, but I'm better for it. I lied to myself. I lied to myself about caring about people I didn't, I lied, that I was happy, I lied that I wasn't empty inside. But I was at times. I wasn't happy. Nothing was right.
A year into college and I'm slowly but steadily becomming the adult I want to be. Yeah I'm still a complete tard, sarcastic, mean, and kidding but I understand the consequences to come, I seek more in a future, I actually have goals. I'm gonna be 20 this year. It scares the absolute hell out of me but so be it. I'm transferring to Nova with at least half paid off in scholarships. My grades are decent. I'm interested in everything around me. I wake up happy, and I go to sleep feeling loved and thankful for everything.
I'm glad I have the friends and family that I have, I'm thankful to have mike back in my life, as hes the only male to ever truley know how to handle me and treat me the way I want. Hes the only person to make me feel like I'm the center of their universe, that they truley cared. I love him, what more can I say?
And with that I'm done. I prefer myspace blogs more so. It's pretier. lol. Maybe I'll update every now and then for the hell of it. Probably not.
So just incase... this is goodbye.
peace!
-me
|
|
| w00t |
[27 Jul 2006|01:05pm] |
Life is fucking good.
-fin-
|
|
| ack |
[21 Jul 2006|03:21pm] |
I think I'm going crazy. No really... its just weird. I think I know what I want but once I get it...or get close to get it I don't want. And the things I don't want I seem to long for once they're out of reach. I feel kinda empty since my feelings seem to be dying. But, at the same time... talking to him, or even seeing him makes things different. And I get so pissed about that bitch even when I know I really don't care. I'm jealous that shes been given even and ounce of his attention. And I also can't help but wondering what hes doing and if hes with her and what he actually feels and for whom. I just wanna be sure for at least one minute about things but I'm not. And yeah. I dunno. I wanna just start school already. I wanna be preoccupied and immersed with other things and people. I wanna forget I ever met him... but, at the same time, I don't. I want him... but I don't. Its weird. I'm definately going crazy. I also found the most gorgeous school ever in the NE where I wanna transfer next year... I'm not sure yet... but i wanna. I wanna leave this. Maybe if I'm gone I'll forget him and everything about him. I'm his friend now, yeah, but at the same time, I'll always want more. He was definately different from the others. Some people you just click. We clicked... and clashed. Its kinda amusing, but annoying, and gah, I just want her dead. I want him to myself... but I don't. I want him but I don't. How fucked up is that? I want him to want me, but at the same time, I dunno if I want to have him. I mean I do. But being single and free is nice. I can do w/e and not feel bad. I don't know. I just want to be content... but hey, I change my mind so many god damn times that thats never gonna happen. Bleh, w/e. Gotta go to work now. Maybe see jodi and sean tonight. I dunno, life is so bland and boring lately. I miss the fun sparks. I miss him... god I want her dead.
-aLeX-
....crazy crazy dead
|
|
| You wanna get mad bitch I don't give a damn |
[17 Jul 2006|03:51pm] |
Ok so everything is working out. I'm having a good time. Missa is a fucking moron/bitch/idiot/whore and can go to hell. Dan is tryin to help and stuff but half the time I dunno what is goin on with him so I've given up tryin to figure it out. Brooke has been an endless source of entertainment, and I love love love meeting new peoples, getting new numbers, and fuckin livin it up at night. I needa rest tonight, but these past two... fuckin awesome. Ok saturday night was ruined when he called and everything and I got "caught" but like its aight now. And last night was sooo unplanned but fuckin great. I think I'm startin to like someone... I dunno where my feelins lie right now. Hell, I don't give a fuckin shit. Bein single is hot, getting what I want from random guys is hot, rockin out is fuckin awesomeeee! I love love loveeee bein me. I've fuckin changed yes, I'm not how I was before, you may see it for the worse, I see it as fuckin freedom. I just don't give a shit anymore. Wanna talk shit go ahead bitch. Wanna be a pussy ass wimp and hide and talk shit to my voice mail go the fuck ahead. Cause ya know what, I'm BETTER THEN YOU! Fuck yeah, chew on that bitch. I found this song I love, its on my myspace. I like how its like fuck off, quit trippin type of thing. I'm a sarcastic bitch, I manipulate people, I don't give a damn about half the people I know, and I'm fuckin happy about that. Want me to like you? Tough shit, I like who I like when I feel like likein people. And that may have made no sense... but I fuckin gotta go get ready for work. Yeahhh man, call me, text me, wait til I get home and talk to me do whatever... but I doubt I'll respond unless I find ya worthy. Haha. I'm evil, I love it, I'm fuckin done. Peace!
-aLeX-
....I can't help it if people like me... when I don't like them... haha
|
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| people suck |
[15 Jul 2006|06:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
I guess I'm just that annoying...
I'm not calling anyone anymore...
I'd you wanna talk to me... you call...
I'm sick of wasting my time...
bleh fuck off!
-aLeX-
|
|
| I made pancakes today |
[12 Jul 2006|10:37pm] |
Today was...alright... and not over. Last night I went out to eat and saw dan and stuff but like.. I dunno. I wasnt very hungry, and I was kinda down durin the meeting... we went to best buy in between. Keepin him away from the toys is tiring... and I saw some old...unwelcomed...faces. They haven't changed... go figure. Oh well. Anyways yeah, came home early, nothing special. I watched a sappy movie like I wanted... then talked to him on the phone... really wasn't a good combo. Almost said some stuff that shouldn't be said. I'm dealing with alot... its nobodies business unless it concerns them... only one part concerned him, the rest is my own doing. I'm an idiot. I mean, I don't even remember what I fucking said during the "fight"... it sucks to be in trouble for something you can't remember. I never remember stuff once I get pissed enough... I go on angry autopilot, and then I get myself in trouble. Bleh, oh well.
Anyways, I gots a popcicle w00t! I worked today... 4:30 to close, same for tommarrow, oh joy. I felt bad for nick though, he worked open to close... 13 hours. wow. Poor guy. He was delirious... it was funny. I did nothing all day really, just hung around and talked to kevin. Hes amusing. Just a kid. And yeah. Nothing really exciting today, just one of those same old same old types. I want my fucking AP scores.... grr.
I should be getting the final package soon. Its not even for me and I'm excited. I dunno the reaction it will recieve...I can only hope for a good one. I mean... what else would I want. I want another chance. I shouldn't get one... but I want one. I'll always want just one more... but, doesn't everybody. I'm sick of screwing up and hurting people. I can be a real idiot sometimes. I dunno, I'll just go with it for now... no sense in doing anything else.
I'm really bored. I get next saturday off... thats three in a row... I definately am the favorite, no doubt about it. I rock major. Yeay for me.
-aLeX-
...Brett is getting a big head...god he creeps me out.
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| ponder this bitch |
[10 Jul 2006|02:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
I was thinking how does one go from dating, to friends, to friends screwin around, to friends who are basically dating but have no title, to mad at each other and wanting nothing to do with the other, to just friends and only friends. Thats a fucking weird ass cycle to be in in only a matter of less then two months. Wow... And it sucks. Whatever. We're ok I guess. I asked him to come with me to the beach tommarrow, we'll see how that goes. Hopefully it won't rain or anything like that. I keep telling myself this is what I want and its good and shit. but its not. I don't wanna be "just friends" but whatever... its like that movie hehe. He says what I said that night actually hurt him. If it hurt him so much try thinking what it felt like to say them. They weren't meant to hurt, they were meant to cover the hurt and pain and fear i felt. And even so, they brought wut I feared and it does hurt. I didn't wanna lose him but like usual I royally fucked it up. I mean he fucked up pretty badly too, but I always take it another step further. I honestly wish that stupid whore would just get hit by a truck and be over and done with. She ruined it. It was her fault we broke up, and its her fault we're "just friends" everything was alright until she randomly pops up and then I get mad cause like shes the town whore and omg I hate his friend and well, what do you expect. I trust him, I don't trust her. I wish with my every being that she dies. An extra plus would be if she died at my hands, but hey, we all can't be so lucky. Bleh. I'll miss what I had with him... it was fun... I wish I could hope that maybe things will repair themselves but I honestly doubt it. For once I don't feel like setting myself up for dissappointment by wishing on the impossible. You can only push people so far... and I have this crazy knack for shoving them off the edge of the god damn proverbial (sp?) cliff. Tsk. I'm just counting down until I start school. I want something to occupy my time. I want to be imersed in the trivial so as not to notice the obvious within. So yeah. I need my fucking ap scores as well, when will they hurry up? Grr. Oh well. I needa get in the shower before work today. Oh joy, work. How I can not wait. I may hang with brooke again tonight. Friday definately. I'm actually looking forward to friday (unfortunately that will be a week since the last time I was actually alright with him...bleh). I do believe I;ve lost all sense of a conscious. I'm doing stupid shit again, but it feels great, I wanna dull everything and I fucking am. Its a whirlwind of emotions and I've found a closet to hide in. I dunno why I ever stopped. I need this to keep control. I fucking love it. So yeah. That guy last night was pretty cute, yeah, thats about it on that subject. I'm done. With everything. Peace...
-aLeX-
...can you really be "just friends" with the opposite sex??? (this question pertaining to a person of the opposite sex that you have former... more intimate.... relations with...) hmm
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| is it suppose to sound like that? |
[09 Jul 2006|11:56am] |
oook sooo yeah. Things suck, but I dunno if I care. Hes acting like the victim. Yeah I went off. But it was bound to happen. He wants to be mad at me then fine. I see how things are. I'll deal. I always deal. He says things were fine before this, he changed so many times I couldn't keep up, hence why shit was like this. I'm not psychic, I can't predict his bullshit. I don't know what goes on in his head, and honestly I don't wanna anymore. If all hes gonna do is pull this woe is me bullshit and blame me for ruining things then wutever. I'm done giving a shit. I fucking cared and was THERE for him and now hes saying all I did was bring him more shit. Bullshit, fuck off, choke please. I helped him through shit, I listened when he needed it, I took him away from whatever was bothering him, I actually gave a shit, and this is the thanks I get? Him trippin cause I don't trust some whore, went off, and actually would appreciate it if he'd tell me what the hell is going on occasionally. Sorry for being normal... but I'd like to know whats going on every now and then. Things are beyond repair I guess at this point. It hurts to think that because he was different from the others but if this is what I was to expect being with him, then I'm glad its over now. I'm glad it wasn't dragged out. I'm fucking glad that I REALIZED that he has no intentions of being there for me when I needed and everything was one-sided. I'm glad I let go before I let him hurt me more, I told him not to, not on a break, he pushed, I caved, and now look. IF HE WOULD HAVE FUCKING LISTENED IT WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS! he blames me for the whole "mine" thing. But fuck it, he was just as much a part of it as I was, don't blame me for your own mistakes, I won't have that. So go to hell. Take her with you, give me a chance to be alright myself and don't drag me down, its just not gonna work for me.
So yeah, I guess thats an end of a good time. I've accepted it. I don't like it. But oh well. things will be ok. They always are. I'm sick of males. Bleh. I wanna leave florida. But I'm staying for awhile. Maybe I'll shorten it to only a year... I needa leave. I can't be here. I can't stay in this stupid fuckin cycle. Screw it.
I work today, I'm not looking forward to it. Hopefully wes and nick are there. They always cheer me up... who knows.
-aLeX-
...I didn't want this
|
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| motherfucker |
[08 Jul 2006|07:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
I hate males. I hate them so much. Obviously not the ones that are my friends... sorry boys I love you. But the rest of the population can die. Fucking idiots. I also hate stupid bitchy punkass females. I hate most everyone. I hate betrayal. I hate liars. I hate users. I hate caring about someone only to have them be like "oops I lied". I hate people who can't get their shit together. I hate it when trust isn't returned, I hate it when I mean nothing. I hate being nothing more then a sex object. I hate hate hate fucking asshole morons who don't deserve to be within a thousand miles of my presents... and a thousand miles is me being nice. Ugh whatever. I see how things are. I saw how they were gonna be. I knew how they were gonna be. I hoped for something different. What-fucking-ever. I'm an idiot. Oh well.
Obviously I'm pissed...
I'm going out tonight. I wanna get trashed. I doubt I will... but the want is still there. I wish I could go lesbian... they have it sooo much easier... damn my strickly dickly ways. Damn everything. DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMMNNN. I wanna hurt someone or something. I'm angry, obviously. I really hope someone pisses me off within my swinging vicinity. Man that would be nice, oh so fucking nice.
I saw pirates of the carribean 2 last night. Bad company aside from missa. Good movie, cept the ending was just to set it up for the third movie comming out next year. Damn them and their profit driven ways.
I hate how I cover up emotional pain and hurt with anger. I hate how I am hurting over this. I hate... I hurt... I just wanna be recognized as someone, with more then just a set of tits. How do I get myself into situations like these? I guess I'm just a sucker for trouble. I need someone with ambition. I need someone intelligent. I need someone 100000000 times better then what I keep finding... hell, I just need SOMEONE, who happens to be HUMAN, who UNDERSTANDS, that females aren't just for USING. Damn my unhappy ways.
I'm done
With everything.
-aLeX-
...I can't believe I actually was there for him and gave a shit... only to have this
|
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| I suppose I feel kinda bad... |
[07 Jul 2006|02:12pm] |
ooook, life has been... the usual. Nothing new, nothing special, but the usual. The fourth of July was alright, spent it with Dan, actually got him to watch lewis black <33 and yeah. He found him funny just like I said. I mean, I'm always right, hehe I wish. But yeah. That was cool. I haven't been feeling too wonderful lately. And now I'm being blamed for something I have absolutely nothing to do with. I better get a fucking big ass apology from both of them... hells about to break lose, I absolutely hate being accused of shit. I mean if I did it, then yeah I accept the consequences but when I'm like innocent... you can go fuck yourself. So there. Hmmph. Asswipes. Grr. Anyways yeah. I have work tonight. 4:30 to close. Nicks the Manager. I really don't wanna work though. I was sick most of the night. Bleh major. But I have tommarrow off so thats pretty cool. Yeay for me. I also get next Saturday off as well. I'm kinda shockified. hehe, but I'm the favorite anyways. I did feel bad for some people yesterday. I mean Molly is going through a hell of a lot, and then Dan's cat whiskers (sp?) died as well. The cat was 21, but even so I suppose its hard when you've had an animal all your life. I dunno. I have no attachments to much of anything anymore. I'm not even really that close with my family (especially my mom) anymore. Its weird but I'm in a "go fuck yourself" type of mood lately. Moody brat. Oh well, I admit it. I'm in the thing I wanted for FAU so now I don't even hafta pick out my classes. Everything is done for me. The only thing I'm waiting on is my ap scores cause with them I probably will end up skipping all of the englishes all together. I passed junior year and if senior is the same (which it will be) then I'm just plain done. So thats pretty cool. And yeah. I'm hungry so I guess I'm gonna go try to stomach something... and be in a better mood. I wanna go see the new pirate movie. Hopefully after work... if not, theres always tommarrow. But w/e. I just could careless, bleh. So yeah, peaceee.
-aLeX-
...I'm much better then some people, I mean, duh
|
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| I'm the caped avenger of snuggly warm blankeyness... woot |
[02 Jul 2006|10:31pm] |
ooook I'm freezing
I'm using my blankey as a caped...
since when is artic an acceptable a/c temp?
my dad's insane
anyways, life has been pretty good. My ear is still sore but I keep fucking with it like a moron. The 4th of july is on tuesday... I work 12 to 5 and then who knows... probably be hanging out with dan although wes asked if I wanted to go to a 4th of july party. Who knows. I love working with nick and wes, nick = best manager, wes= fucking hilraious giant teddy bear. Besides... I always get them to do my aisle for me when I don't do register. Its nice. I'm the oldest kid working so I'm like... "part of the group" now. Its awesome. I remember when I was little I asked my mom when the 4th of July was. I honestly thought that the 4th of july was just the name like christmas and it was on a different day... no fucking idea what was going through my head but she won't lemme for get it. sheesh. Anyways, today was nice, dan came in and visited... he got laid... with the luau lays u perves hehe... I do my share of laying people... I'm awesome. hehe. And yeah, after just came home and crashed. So tired lately. Definately not enough sleep. Always staying out late (I stayed in tonight holy shit!) and waking up somewhat early (before noon). Not a good mixture. But w/e. Went and saw "click" last night with dan and esh... never a good idea putting those two together... looney toons, tsk. hehe. But yeah I heart my eshy poo! even though her latest obsession is driving me nuts, hehe. And yeah. It was a good movie. I don't hate sue so much anymore, shes nicer lately. Weird. I think tom is the manager tommarrow. everyone is kinda scared of him, but I'm not. I'm the favorite. He lets me do whatever, I guess I'm just that amazing. yeah... my mom is mean, she gets a four day weekend. bleh. I'm happy I get this comming saturday off though... tis shocking. like woah. I prefer getting my two days together though, but wednesday and saturday will do. Besides I have like all tuesday as well since I get out at 5. The day doesn't start until 6ish anyways. And yeah. I really dunno where me and dan stand at this point... I still don't care much... but it would be nice to get this over with. but whatever. Jodi got a tattoo, I'm kinda shocked. Shes so good. It was like wtf? And yeah. I hafta go visit her and her other half tommarrow. I haven't seen them in a bit. I hate the summer most times cause I start neglecting my friends since I'm not forced to see them in school. I miss them but I'm so busy with work and shit. Bleh, oh well. I also am going shoppin with the mother tommarrow. I need get new jeans. I have a ton but like only one pair fits, and another but that needs a belt. Everything I own is too big now. I actually got on the scale and apparently I've lost like 20-25ish, shocking considering all I do is eat candy... and no cavities... I think I discovered the secret to life... reeses. W00t. haha. And yeah, I really have nothing more to say so I'm done. All is well, I'm tired, and yeah. PEACE!!!
-aLeX-
... you have HOW many piercings? hehe, I love it when people freak... its really not that amazing. sheesh.
|
|
| Three days of bliss... |
[29 Jun 2006|12:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
I stole from paul...
1. name a friend whos name starts with a "J"
Jodi
2. now name something that reminds you of them
mouseys
3. whats your biggest fear?
stupidly, being alone
4. were you a lego-maniac when you were little?
fuck yes, hehe
5. what do you think of "reality tv"
retarded
6. do you chew on your straws
hehe yep
7. do you have curly hair
Nooo, stick straight like always, bleh
8. what is the next concert your going to ?
Maybe the fall freak show, I dunno
9. what color is your keyboard
black
10. who is number one on your top 8/12/16/24
eshy
11. favorite cartoon ??
theres alot... I'll never grow up
12.what color is your car(s)?
dark grey
13. last cd that you listen to all the way through
hmm, dunno, short attention span
14. most random thing you've said in the past 72 hours?
pirate breadsticks... thats all I can say
15. can you swim?
yeah Water<33
16. have you seen the movie DONNIE DARKO?
whats that?
17. do you have to work tomorrow
yeah... kill me
18. any bumper stickers on your car?
nope
19. can you sing the alphabet backwards?
hahaha, no
20. have you ever been on an airplane
yeah... and I hate airplanes
21. are you an only child?
I wish sometimes
22. do you have a swimming pool?
nah
23. whats your stand on hunting?
eh, whatever, as long as their not endangered I suppose
24. is marriage in your future?
It'd be nice
25. do you like your handwritting?
yeah... but it tends to change
27. when was the last time you said "i love you" and meant it?
I always mean it
28. is elvis still alive?
if u want him to be
29. Do you cry at weddings?
I rarely cry as it is
30. what should you be doing right now
no fing clue hehe
31. are blondes dumb?
the world in general is... I don't limit the stupidity label just for one hair color type
32. where does the other sock end up?
in a deep underground sock cave
33. what time is it
12:37
34. do you have a nickname
well, alex itself is one... but theres others
35. last movie you saw?
parts of ultra violet, till I fell asleep... cause dan's comfy
36. when was the last time you were in a car?
uh, 2 in the morning
38. do you believe in love at first site
absolutely not
39. who would you hook up with?
...dan? and various famous guys, hahaha
40. are you afraid of the dark?
the dark is better then the light in my opinion
41. whos the youngest in the family?
my brother I guess... or the dog
43. can you crack your neck?
well that just doesn't sound safe
44. have you ever been in an ambulance?
yeah... and they didn't even put on the siren... I was upset
46. is drug free the way to be?
haha thats debateable
47. are you a heavy sleeper?
no, I wake up somewhat easily... and sleep is for wimps
48. what color are your eyes
green
50. do you like your life?
sometimes, when I get what I want... obviously
51. is your name allan?
wtf?
52. are you psychic?
only with the tv guide in hand
53. have you ever read "catcher in the rye"
yeah, it was decent
54. do you shop at american eagle
hahaha, I'd cut off a limb first
56. are you happy
Sometimes
W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T?
1. You hung out with:
Dan
2. Saw you cry:
...dunno
3. Watched a movie with you:
Dan, we fell asleep though
4. You went to the mall with:
Dan again... this is getting repetitive
5. You went to dinner with?
...dan
6. You talked on the phone to:
god damn it see above
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it:
now that I can NOT answer... I rarely trust enough to know
A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y !
1. Do you like anyone?
Yes, very much so
2. Do they know it?
well yes, he feels the same... unless he lied
D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. .
1. Sun or moon?
Moon please
2. Winter or Fall?
winter is amazing
3. Left or right?
the middle is fine
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends?
best friends are more important
5. Sunny or rainy?
depends on how hot it is... but I like rainy
IN . T H E . L A S T . M O N T H . H A V E . Y O U ?
1. Had a b/f or g/f?:
yeah :-\
2. Bought something:
lots of stuff
4. Sang:
uh no
5. Been hugged:
cooties! but yes
6. Felt stupid:
everytime I walk into things...
7. Missed someone.
I'll always be missing someone
8. Danced crazy:
...no idea
9. Gotten your hair cut:
no, I'm growing it out
-- RANDOM --
Whens the last time you went pee?:
earlier...it was great
Is your bed comfy?:
very very, so comfy I like fall asleep in it
Is your phone on vibrate?:
only for texts
What's the 2nd letter of your first name?:
L
What's the last thing you said?:
"what do YOU want?"
When's the last time you laughed?:
yesterday
-- PAST --
Done anything you regret?:
I ruin things
Ever broke a bone?:
nothing vital
Ever lied?:
Who hasn't?
--NEXT WEEK--
Have any plans for next week?:
take over world
Do you know what you're gonna wear next week?
wtf?
Anything exciting happening next week?:
doubt it
Got anywhere to go next week?:
always do
Know who you're going to see next week?:
nope
Excited for next week to come?:
only if something good happens
READING next week to come?:
huh?
Wishing I'd stop asking you about next week?:
yeah... its stupid
--TODAY--
Have you cursed?:
every five seconds
Have you yelled at someone?:
I have yet to have that pleasure
Have you gotten mad at someone?:
Not so much mad as disappointed... and homocidal
Have you cried?:
no
Have you called more then 3 people?:
no, I hate phones
Have you IMed more than 3 people?:
Nope
Have you updated your myspace?:
why would I?
Have you gotten a shower?:
yep, I smell prettiful
and yeah... that was sheer boredom.
The past three days have been great. Monday I worked but saw dan that night and tuesday and wednesdays I was with him again. I really shouldn't be spending so much time with him, but being with him makes me happy. I really do care about him. We act like a couple still, kissy hugging... other stuff, all of it the same, but no flat out title. He mentioned he wanted to end the break sooner then thought and I was like whatever, honestly I don't care, as long as I have him in my life and I'm the only girl hes with... any other girl would be brutally murdered anyways. This stupid bitch merissa (his ex) has a bf but keep fucking contacting him going oh lets hang out blah blah blah... she called yesterday... I answered his phone... she now knows that i find her to be a stupid slut. Dan asked if I had to be so mean all the time... I asked him if what I said was what he felt towards her... he did, I win. Then theres this Karin bitch, whos one of the peroxide blonde, eyeliner put on with a shotgun types. Shes pathetic. But whatever, they're no threat anyways. I went and got my industrial pierced yesterday too. That was great. Man I love the feeling of getting a piercing, it hurts but like, the pain makes u feel alive. For me anyways... I'm twisted like that I suppose. If you dunno what an industrial is look it up, its a horizontal, not a vertical. So yeah, anyways, I kinda afraid I fucked some stuff up with dan last night (we were having such good end this bs break progress) but I kinda threw a fit, and pointed out somethings that probably weren't wise to say and yeah. I dunno, I'm happy how we are... but deep down I do want the title... just for the sake of having it. But yeah, I'm done now... I do believe ms. jodi's b-day is tommarrow, they grow up so fast. le sigh. And thats bout it, tata darlings...
-aLeX-
...man I miss him
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| my hand has gone numb |
[23 Jun 2006|11:46am] |
Put in an "x" for every type of kiss you've had.
01. [x] on the cheek.
02. [x] on the lips.
03. [x] on their hands.
04. [x] in my room.
05. [x] in their room.
06. [x] the opposite sex.
07. [ ] of the same sex.
08. [x] a little bit younger than me.
09. [x] a little older than me.
10. [x] with black hair
11. [x] with brown hair
12. [x] blonde hair
13. [x] with red hair
14. [x-my own] with a tounge ring.
15. [ ] shorter than me.
16. [x] with a lip ring.
17. [x] who I truly love(ed)
18. [x] who was drunk.
19. [x] who was high.
20. [x] in the morning.
21. [x] right after waking up.
22. [x] just before bed.
23. [x] late at night.
24. [x] who I had just met.
25. [x] who I really didn't want to kiss.
26. [x] we were just talking not dating.
27. [x] on a sofa.
28. [x] in a graveyard.
29. [x] at school.
30. [x] against a wall/fence
31. [x] in a hotel
32. [xxxxx] at the beach.
33. [x] at a concert.
34. [x] in a pool.
35. [x] who was a good friend.
36. [x] in the rain/ snow.
37. [x] in class
39. [x] in a car/taxi/bus.
40. [x] in the movies.
41. [x] in a bathroom/laundry room
42. [x] in the dark.
43. [ ] on a roof top
44. [wouldn't u drown?] under water.
45. [x] while they/you were driving
46. [ ] a stranger
47. [ ] more than one person at once
48. [x] crying
49. [ ] saying goodbye forever
50. [x] when I was happy
51. [ ] who didn't speak/ or only spoke a lil` english
52. [x] in a hot tub
53. [x] upside down
Repost with "I've kissed____ ways"
44 outta 53... hmm... most were more then just kisses hahahaha.
anyways, lifes been so-so lately. Things have been annoying but bareable. Still doing the whole break thing but hes making it hard. He doesn't get the concept that being on break means just being friends as in not doing couple like things (i.e. kissing... fucking.... etc.) The other night was the hardest... I'm not good at saying no. But I have to. I have to learn not to set myself up for heartbreak. He says hes not like the others. How would I know? And besides, hes male. I've learned that if u give them what they want without being in a relationship then they have no reason to return to a relationship. I've learned that through past experiences and the truth is, I knew them a hell of a lot better then I know him. I can't yet predict how he works and I don't wanna loose him by giving in. He promised not to hurt me, but I'm still hurting. I just wanna rewind a couple weeks to when it was perfect, before I went retarded and fucked some things up. Whatever. Anyways, I work today, but his curfew is later today. Stupid place, I can't wait til he gets out. but yeah. I hope hes feeling better. I wanna go out later tonight with him. Who knows what'll happen. I hate it when people are sick, they're no fun. Damn illness. evil. Hopefully also, nick is the manager closing tonight. I love nick. Him and wes are great. Wes isn't a manager but still. They're both are too funny, and basically do whatever I want. is only two years older then me too. Its weird. How that is. I'll be 19 this year and 20 the next. 20 seems so old. I'm kinda looking forward to it. I wanna be 20...21 really makes no difference to me considering I don't drink, so 20 is pretty cool in my opinion. And yeah. I'm about done, I needa get in the shower and stuff. Dyed my hair last night, I'm happy. And yeah.... I just want him back, so badly. Is that so wrong? I wish just once I'd find the right person, and things wouldn't get fucked up. I wanna know what it feels like to be truly in love. I just don't know that feeling... thought I did, but that was me being foolish. And yeah... I'm done...
-aLeX-
...I never knew that no was the hardest word to say when u wanna say yes yes yesss
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| really dunno how... |
[20 Jun 2006|02:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
Well, things are different. In my perspective. I've stopped them. My mom keeps givin em to me but I have a small bag collection of pills now. I hafta find a safe trash can to throw them away. She doesn't know. Its hard to tell from the outside, I have alot more control right now then I thought I would. Of course I do still have some in my system. We'll see. If things go bad its back to them, but I don't think they will. Its my turn to run my own life... this isn't me. And yeah. Yesterday morning I don't know what happened. I felt like I was dying, existing felt weird. This all has nothing to do with sunday, but, ever since I said something, since I spoke about it, its different. I'm really peaceful right now. I was upset earlier, but even then, it wasn't the same. I think the strange part is, is I can actually feel what I've been acting upon... like, obviously, feelings. I always acted them, but I haven't felt them in a while. I suppose thats why I felt weird yesterday, and still do. I can't eat either though, I can't stomach food. I feel dizzy easily, I dunno whats up. Hehe, withdrawl? Hehehe. God what I wouldn't give to smoke a bowl... thats what I'm used to doing in between doctor visits when I got this way. I'm not doing that now. The one truly good thing to come from dan was realizing how I did rely on pot alot to deal with shit. I'd go to the NA meetings again if I had time. They have me working alot this week. What I hate though is that its always the night shifts. I wanna work day but whatever, at least I'm sleeping in I suppose. But even still, I'm up at reasonable times now. I remember my dreams also. Thats a first, usually its no dreams or god awful nightmares. Those are gone, thats good. I'm happy right now. Really happy. I miss him, but he was right. I can't expect him to be ready for anything at this point in time. God he has so much shit. Besides, I need to get out on my own more anyways, I always rely on people. I hate them but I'm dependent on them at the same time. Fucked up man, hehehe. Actually went and sean jodi and sean yesterday. Went to the ale house, then michaels for random stuff (I got a stick) and then back and watched a Knights Tale. Those two honestly do not leave the house. I hafta start dragging them out of it again. Tsk, hermits. I needa figure out when I'm gonna do some stuff that I've been planning, gotta find time I suppose. I'm anxious to start school now. Although I'm staying here at FAU (yeah EKU was pretty damn tempting the other day...) I'm happy with my decision. It gives me a chance to get used to that type of "education" while saving up to move out. Hopefully next year the latest? I loathe any type of dorm so an apartment is my only choice. So yeah, soon. I keep replaying when I first met him. And the couple days that followed. I remember the butterflies and what I thought, and how I spoke incessantly of him, and how missa was just plain nuts about the idea... I suppose when you stop and take a break, or even at the end of things, you tend to look back and remember how they started, how they were built. Me and my cousin used to do that in a way. We'd have a whole random conversation and then stop and try to figure out what lead to the topic we were on. It was a fun game when we were kids. But its a game people still play during times when feelings are involved. As an emotional race I tend to pity our existance. Its sad at times how we're controlled by them. I'd let go of them completely if I could, but even still, my own have a strong grasp. I've said before that I'd be happy without them. I may never be on top of the world then, but, you'd never be crushed by its weight either. But then again that correlates to the cliche'd term that its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I wonder if I have loved ever... and if that fucked (speaker) ever lost. I'd choose the second type, but then again, I'd need a true definition of love... and loss come to think of it. Both so vague, both so hurtful, both so easily misunderstood. I wish things could be broken down into manageable bits, but then again... that just wouldn't be life.
Anyways, I'm done. This is mainly an "I'm ok and happy" type of post. He says hes sick... I wonder if I can trust that, I hear so many sides and yet feel so many things as well. I've learned toi trust my feelings more (contrary to my hatred of them) because they're alot closer to me, then the stories of others... at least one is mine. So yeah, I wish him the best... and everyone else the same.
-aLeX-
...Close your eyes... can you picture the person in your heart?
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| Its just that lump in your throat kind of feeling |
[18 Jun 2006|05:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dead |
] |
Everything was great. Until that one night. Where I went off. My bad. Now we're taking a "break." I know his reasonings. I have been impossible lately. And I know the shit hes going through. Its alot to handle. I'm amazed at his strength, but even so... I didn't want this. This morning I'm accused of something I now know wasn't my fault but an annoying cousin's. I can see why he thought it was me, but honestly I don't care enough to go through such lengths... is it my fault that he (cousin) likes to click on absolutely anything... I only wish he'd understand that. I honestly didn't do it. But again, what am I trying to prove. Only trust itself can solve such a petty problem. But even so, that was just the tip of everything. I honestly feel like I can't breathe, when I stand up I feel faint, I can't eat, I just stare into space. Even my hands are shaking. This isn't me. I'm contemplating just going off all the pills. I wanna see whats inside of me. I love the control they give me, but I can't hide from myself, its not right. Nothing is right right now. Its just a break. Missa says he'll come back. I've heard that before. He says he still wants me, but can't right now. I don't want to be a burden... like always. I'm always the one hurt, no wonder I've turned into such a bitch. I hate people, I really do. I hate this entire population in general. But whatever. I can only trust things will be better eventually. When the storm blows over at least. Is it my fault hes in these type of situations? No, so why am I so affected? I supposed being with someone forces you into their successes and ultimate failures... and the trials in between. It sucks. The worst part is opening up to someone. I can't do that anymore. I was open once... but it always lead to ruin, I'm closed again, and I shut tighter when people pry. He wanted to know. He still does, people usually do. But how can I explain? How can I speak of what I don't even know? I wish I was the person I present, that life would be so much easier. I hate the deeper parts... the parts that are never mentioned. I hate who I am sometimes... but then again, what choice do I have? I have nightmares that I can't explain. Its weird. I dunno. Right now I'm still coping. I haven't yet recognized whats happen. Even talking about it it doesn't hit. I still think tommarrow everything will be the same... it hurts to think that it won't, it hurts alot. I care about him, alot. I guess I'm just cursed, doomed to find an ounce of happiness and always have it taken away. Hes been the best one thus far... and right now the shortest. I don't want us to end, I want to cling on to the hope that it'll be better soon. I'll wait... I always do. Thats how I am. Hopeless I suppose. I'm also tempted to go back to older ways of coping. I haven't. I want to. Really bad. But why relive the nightmares? And cause new ones. That'd be stupid... and insane... but define sanity... impossible. He knows a little now. But thats besides the point. So yeah. Today seems to suck. I got some new shirts though. Much needed. Anyways, I'm done, I think I'll go doodle or something, anything, just to feel normal, and whole. Bleh, I'm being torn apart. If only enemies stay outside of you... it'd be sooo much easier.
-aLeX-
....nothing good can come of this
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| le sigh |
[11 Jun 2006|07:47pm] |
I haven't been feeling so great lately... still moody/easily upset. I wanted to see him tonight but hes sick... that sucks. Oh well. I dunno what I'm feeling right now though... things don't feel right, in any aspect. Its like... I'm just empty. I used to be so full of life. Now I just work... and if I'm lucky esh provides some sort of entertainment with other people involved... but if it wasn't for that, I suppose I'd just sit at home all day, moping. I have little reasons for these feelings... aside from the fact that I'm stupid... what does one expect to find when they look anyways... sometimes I wish I wouldn't let curiosity get the better of me, and yet, it always does. This is vague for a reason... so ignore such...but I just needa get it out. I wish I hadn't gone off so bad the other night... but maybe its my fault for the distance... maybe I do need too much attention, and maybe I do take up too much time... but still, I'd rather people be honest with me... completely honest, even if it kills. I'd rather that not happen, but its better then living a lie, pretending things are perfect. I hate pretending, I did it for the longest time, I still do. Last night was unnerving as well... I had fun going out for a bit but the conversation that night confused me. I stopped but it was brought up... ending something for something I don't do, and keeping it only because I promised to quit what I don't (or rarely) do. Was it just the action that caused the conversation, or was there another cause? Is there something deeper to all of this that I'm just not seeing? Am I blind? I could talk to the closest person in this and see, but would they know? And would they tell? I don't know. I really just don't know. This is probably just a bunch of irrational feelings... but I can't help feeling uneasy. Somethings not right, and I'm afraid to lose what I cherish so much. Hopefully I'm not as fucked as I feel. Hopefully, I'm not just there to be fucked... but, I can only hope...
Anyways, enough of my vagueness. That wasn't meant for anyone anyways, just me in particular... wondering in words. Nest saturday will be one month. I work that night which sucks sooo much ass. But, hopefully I'll see him prior to such. Hopefully we'll both wake up at reasonable times. But, thats hopeful thinking now isn't it, hehe... something I'm not to fond of. I wish these next three months can fly by, so everything can be better, at least for him. I'd do anything to help... but he kinda did this to himself... all I can do is be there I suppose... and not do anything wrong myself. I'd give up alot of things for people I care about... but hey, thats the decent side that rarely shows now isn't it. hehe oh well.
Anyways I'm done, I just ordered a new darwin fishy for my car since the bastards took it off at the place... morons. Should be here sooner or later... I'm also waiting on another purchase to hurry up and get here... but its not for me... kinda a present... I dunno how he'll like it... its just something small that reminded me of something... who knows. Whatever... I'm just addicting to spending money online, its fun. hehe, lame I know. SO yeah... I'm out, peace.
-aLeX-
and...
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| I <3 depressing songs |
[10 Jun 2006|11:24pm] |
haha not really... but yeah. Weird, anyways. Today was alright. Went to Dan's in the morning, and hung there until I left for work... kinda nice just hanging with him, watched this fucking hilarious movie... oh man it was great. It was just one of those relaxed times... movie, pizza,...other stuff, hahaha. Tsk. Anyways, work was alright. Did register all day. I like Nick the best outta the other managers, I actually got him to clean up the entire front like I was supposed to... by the time he realized, he was done. Man I love being manipulative (sp?)...it'll get me in trouble one day, but hey, w/e, I rock. Yeah... everyone there is great, I like it a whole love... and balloons are fun, and so is claiming that candy is "damadged" and then ending up with a sugar buzz. Yeah.. Anyways, apparently we close on 8 on saturdays so that made me extremely happy. Went home and changed and ended up meeting with david and esh. We went to this random wildreness thingy and went up the tower and heard alligators grunting and it was alright. Nothing spectacular, but it did have a great view and I never even knew it was there. It was like... wtf where did that come from?! So yeah. After went to boreders and saw natalie with two of her friends and looked at pron paintings that esh loves and it was amusing but then she left so I got a book and then went home... my parents are starting to wonder why I'm home so early lately... I really don't wanna tell them the truth about it all, cause I dunno how they'd react. Yeah I used to stay out late but that was because I always stayed at his house/fell asleep. Now I can't do that since hes in the new place... hence I'm home early. And continueing on that I'm not gonna be able to see him as much anymore... cause he hasta do that school stuff and I've been working only 4-cl shifts...and he has to be home by 11, and yeah. I dunno... after the other night when I got really pissed, things seem different.... I like him alot, but I dunno. Not the same. But on the flip side I am extremely emotional/irrational lately considering I'm pmsy (too much info, I know) and I'm getting immune to what they put me on... I have an appointment comming up, I need stronger meds again, hopefully none of those antipsychotics again though... they make everything sooo boring. bleh. I just want to rewind to a week ago I suppose... before work and shit. I wish I didn't hafta work... but who really likes to anyways? And yeah... I'll get over this, just having and alex moment I suppose... but I want it to end like now. And yeah, I'm done whinning, today was good. Tommarrow will be better... cause I said so!!!
-aLeX-
...new book oh yeah... new book dance!
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| I'm happy, I'm feeling glad...lala |
[10 Jun 2006|11:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sunshine in a bag |
] |
Everythings ok, its all good, thank goodness. I'm happy...w00t. Turns out they were right, space is kinda fun. Like all of yesterday, wow, amazing. Went to Fau with esh, picked out classes, then went to salon, basically she must have zee job, then KFC, then back, then puppy store, and then the best of all. We went to the adult video warehouse. I got my mom this peach smelling penis candle... and this blowup doll. It was for my brother but he was too damn embarrassed so I took it and she rode with me and esh in the car for the rest of the day. We dressed her though... god it was hilarious when the other drivers saw her. hehe. Later that night we picked up the notorious Paul (who we forgot to tell about Kate...man that was priceless) and then we went to the beach where we met up with a bunch of awesome peoples. Zee list included Mr. David Brown, Eric Perry, Natalie, some kid named Mark, an Adam kid, and Eventually Brooke, and her friend tyler (of whom she forgot his name) hehe. it was nice on the blanket with Kate in the hole (yes we brought her to deerfield beach...told you she went everywhere with us) and then going to Rattlesnake Jakes for nachos and hot wings... and falling asleep on the blanket, and then the yucky slurpees... sorry paul, but they're gross... and everything. So relaxing and calm and everything I could have asked for that night. It would have been better with Dan, but like I said, space is actually kinda great, I like just being with friends... and David promised he'd drown himself since we left early and well... he better have kept that promise, hehe no, not really I heart him too much. Who else would I pick on? But yeah, went home a little earlier then the rest since I was tired and dirty feeling and yeah. My upper back is sooo sore right now, I dunno why... oh well. I work today 4-cl... not entirely thrilled since I hate having a job but w/e its alright, I'll live I suppose. Dan needs to pick up his god damn phone also... that is should we see each other today, but w/e I'll live without, hehe. Also, last night I think it finally hit me that I'm not in high school anymore... I'm enrolled in college, and I'm 18... its scary realizing that you're not a kid anymore, but hey, I'm having an awesome time at least. This summer is turning out to be the most amazing ever. New people, old people, new adventures (adult video warehouse biatch!!! strap ons?!) and yeah. anyways, I'm done being sentimental and basically stupid, so I'm gonna go actually get dressed and like... find food, somewhat neccessary those food things... but that might be just me. Yeah, k bye!
-aLeX-
...esh I don't care what you say, they weren't mild, they were fucking hot, owww! hehe
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